


What we are, what we could have been

by grievingcain



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 13:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12508360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grievingcain/pseuds/grievingcain
Summary: Shinsuke and Bansai after 10 years... right?[Written for BanTaka Week Day 7 - Post-series]





	What we are, what we could have been

After 10 years Bansai hadn’t changed one bit. He looked like he hadn’t aged a single day. And Shinsuke felt like he could admire his features forever; with the morning light framing his face, he could lose himself in his eyes.

He was already lost when he heard that voice calling him.

“Shinsuke.”

Shinsuke came back from wherever he was and focused on the man on top of him. Focused on what he was saying instead of how beautiful he was.

“Are you okay?” The man asked, “You looked like you were in a trance.”

“I’m fine.” Shinsuke smiled.

Bansai nodded slightly before claiming Shinsuke’s lips, brushing them with his own. He sucked softly on Shinsuke’s bottom lip before sliding his tongue into his mouth. Shinsuke welcomed his touches, melted in his kiss.

Shinsuke could feel that there was something off and didn’t know for sure what it was, but he decided he could ignore it. Nothing could be more important than making out with Bansai.

He felt Bansai’s hand reaching his own on the mattress, entwining their fingers. He felt a clutch in his chest. Some kind of pain that was good and bad at the same time. As if his heart couldn’t handle the weight of his feelings, it was either going to explode or overflow.

He tightened his grip on Bansai’s hand and moaned against Bansai’s mouth, which made the man withdraw his lips from his own.

There _was_ something wrong.

“Shinsuke,” Bansai called again. How he loved to hear his name in that voice. It was… nostalgic. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m okay,” He said, now slightly annoyed. “Why do you keep asking?”

“I’m just worried.”

Bansai brought Shinsuke’s hand to his lips, kissing his knuckles. He then moved, sitting on Shinsuke’s thighs. Only then Takasugi noticed they were both naked. They probably had sex in the previous night but for some reason he couldn’t remember anything.

“You don’t need to worry.” He replies.

“Can’t help it, I daresay.”

Shinsuke sighed.

“You haven’t changed in all these years.”

Bansai smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile. Bansai’s face looked full of sorrow. Shinsuke felt like crying. What was going on? Why Bansai seemed so sad? Why did his chest hurt so much? He had so many questions in his head, so many questions he wished he could just ignore and go back to just kissing Bansai.

“How could I?” Bansai said.

And then he lowered his body again. He brought his lips to Shinsuke’s neck and started to kiss him.

Shinsuke tried to focus on the feeling of Bansai’s mouth on his neck. He was aware of that warm and wet sensation, of teeth casually brushing his skin. But he couldn’t enjoy it. It didn’t feel good at all. In fact, it _hurt_.

“Stop…” He said in a whimper.

Bansai withdrew again and looked at his face.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Then Bansai’s hand was on his face, his thumb under his eye.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t want to make you cry.”

_Am I crying?_

“Why…” He whispered.

That sad smile was back on Bansai’s face. Shinsuke decided he hated it. He didn’t want Bansai to look at him that way. It was painful.

“Why are you smiling like this?”

“I’m sorry,” he said again. But the smile didn’t fade.

“Stop that, why are you sorry?”

Shinsuke could feel himself getting unusually restless. He was now aware of the tears running down his eye but he couldn’t do anything to stop them.

“What… What’s wrong? Everything looks perfect but there _is_ something wrong…” He couldn’t finish his line of thought. Suddenly his head started aching. Shinsuke brought both his hands to his temples and started pressing on them, trying to relieve the pain.

Bansai’s hands moved on top of his. But Shinsuke couldn’t feel them. He knew they were there, but it was like they weren’t.

He stared at Bansai. He wasn’t smiling anymore. He wasn’t trying to hide the sadness in his eyes. _It’s better this way_ , Shinsuke thought. _Don’t lie to me_.

“I...” Bansai started. But Shinsuke couldn’t hear the next words. Neither could he read Bansai’s lips as he spoke. His face was starting to blurry, as if Shinsuke couldn’t picture it. As if he had forgotten how he looked like.

“Bansai,” he called. “What’s going on?”

“I…” Bansai started saying again. But once again the next words were silent. Shinsuke couldn’t understand what he was trying to say.

“Bansai, wait,” He didn’t know why he said that. Wait for what?

“I’m sorry,” Bansai said again. “I wish I could stay with you.”

“What? Bansai, what—”

But Bansai’s body was fading and in matter of seconds he wasn’t there anymore.

“Bansai!” He shouted.

But there wasn’t anyone to hear.

 

 

His body was drenched in sweat and he panted. He was alone.

There wasn’t anyone by his side. There hasn’t been anyone for over 10 long years.

Takasugi clenched his teeth and put his arm over his face, covering his eyes. He swallowed dryly trying to hold back the feelings that were trying to come out in the form of tears. But those feelings were overwhelming. What was supposed to be a single sob escaped his mouth then it was followed by many others. He had failed again. The words he had repeated many times over the years came out as a whisper.

“I told you to live for me... idiot!”

He didn’t go back to sleep that night.

**Author's Note:**

> I hate myself for writing this more than you hate me for reading it, trust me.


End file.
